The places we go when we search for connection - Belonging, Fitting In, Connection, Disconnection, Insecurity, Invisibility, Loneliness. - Brene Brown, Atlas of the Heart
In moments of openness, we discover that the connections we crave are always waiting for us.
Do you find yourself lonely? Do you yearn for deep relationships?
Do you turn down invitations to connect or hesitate to reach out or engage in social activities, despite your strong desire for connection?
Do you feel lonely in the presence of others? Are you able to be fully yourself?
When you are alone, do you like the person you are with?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are not alone and you make sense.
Feelings of loneliness are a trademark of being human and the glue of humanity.
Loneliness is subjective and has more to do with how we feel about our social lives than the objective fact of how many people we see each day. Loneliness is the gap between the closeness we desire and the closeness we perceive we have with other people. It can be as impactful as hunger, thirst, and the need to breathe as the desire for connection is a crucial part to our well being.
When we feel loneliness we are not just seeking the act of being with people. It is a search for connection and a place of belonging. A search for the energy that exists between two people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment and when they derive strength and sustenance from the relationship.
We feel belonging only if we have the courage to share our most authentic selves with people, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance. As stated by Brene Brown in Braving the Wilderness, “True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
In order to belong, we must show up authentically. How can that be done when fitting in feels like a threat in our nervous system?
Sometimes, we build walls around our hearts or disconnect from others in an attempt to protect ourselves from potential hurt or rejection. Being rejected for who we are hits us to our core. These barriers for protection might keep us safe but they also keep us from the warmth of real connection.
In order to move from a place of being lonely, we must first identify it and have the courage to see it as a sign to pursue true connection. We need to acknowledge the past experiences we have had that shape our ability to be open and vulnerable.
What experiences have occurred in our lives that are causing us to lack connection, not be able to show up authentically ourselves, have insecurities, feel invisible, misunderstood, unwanted? These programmings are the root cause of many struggles in our lives especially when it comes to relationships.
After all, we want those relationships. We crave to connect. But alas, we can’t. Understanding the science behind this is important to moving from loneliness to connection. We get into a vicious cycle known as the “Loneliness Loop” and get stuck in “Lonely Brain” which actively prevents us from forming the connections we desire.
Healing from loneliness starts with allowing ourselves to be seen, just as we are.
We do not need to suppress who we really are to be loved or appreciated. In fact, true connection happens when we shed the armor we’ve built and allow ourselves to be human. When we open up and show the world our true selves — vulnerable and perfectly imperfect — we invite the kind of closeness and friendship that nurtures our hearts.
It’s amazing how much our lives can transform when we stop hiding and start showing up fully — when we take the risk to connect, even when it feels scary. Through practices that nurture our emotional well-being, like mindfulness and self-compassion, we can start to dissolve the walls we’ve built. And it’s in these moments of openness that we discover the connections we crave are always waiting for us, just beyond our self-imposed walls.
The Lonely Brain
The lonely brain can cycle through changes in brain chemistry, activity, and perception that can lead to more loneliness. This cycle can be fueled by a heightened sensitivity to social threats and a decreased ability to form social connections.
Being lonely is stressful. These feelings cause a stress response — our nervous system activates causing a flood of stress hormones pumping through our bodies. We have increased activity in the emotional center of our brain, the limbic center. Cortisol increases, norepinephrine production elevates, which makes it harder to sleep and impacts our immune system. Dopamine and Serotonin levels increase initially then decrease which leads to various behavioral changes such as unhealthy self-soothing behaviors.
Oxytocin also decreases adding to our feelings of loneliness and desire for warmth and closeness. This can leave us feeling cold and craving the connection, and so we can rush into a codependent, less-than-stable connection, in the absence of something more timely and sturdy.
Lonely people may be more likely to interpret ambiguous social information negatively. The ventral striatum activation decreases which can impact how people respond to social interactions. The default network of the brain increases, which can be linked to reminiscing and thinking about others. The lonely brain can make us feel constantly alert, which interferes with our thinking and perception.
Loneliness inflicts the brain with pain. Social rejection lights up precisely the same brain areas as physical pain, hunger, thirst, and breathlessness. And not just that: the worse people perceive social rejection, the stronger they feel this pain. The pain of loneliness is just as real as a punch in the face. It’s as stressful as having no access to food or fresh water. It’s as frightening as drowning in a deep, dark ocean.
The Loneliness Loop
Loneliness on the surface may seem simple yet it is a complicated loop starting with things out of our control. This may be external or internal events such as a major incident or loss in our lives, a series of subtle rejections, or general life dissatisfaction. Predispositions based on upbringing play a role as well as our circumstances.
This sets off a series of negative biases and social experiences that becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.
The loneliness loop explained further….
The initial activation occurs causes a cascade of events:
We experience rejection, feelings of being unwanted, and isolated.
To avoid further pain, we become more careful in social settings, and feel less safe than before.
We enter an evolutionary response to detect social threats, anticipate the worst, and remember more negative social information.
Our responses and behaviors are interpreted in an unfavorable way making it harder for others to connect with us.
Social interactions become harder leading to withdrawing or blaming others.
We start experiencing feelings of helplessness, pessimism, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
All these feelings lead us back to the beginning, closing the loneliness loop.
The longer we’re stuck in the loneliness loop, the more stress we feel, lose self-control, sleep worse, engage in unwise behaviors, and have increased relationship problems.
Escape Loneliness and Restore Emotional Connection
The good news is — there's an antidote to overcome loneliness. Our brain is fueled by human interaction and is very malleable. Our brain can shape, twist, and turn around all sorts of challenges — known as neuroplasticity.
The human soul is hard-wired for connection. Our nervous system seeks out others with whom we can create supportive and protective relationships.
We need to learn the p
rogramming that is preventing us from allowing this innate drive to occur.
We can create a stronger sense of self with love and belonging to show up authentically which will lay the groundwork for healthier relationships.
Let’s look at three ways to help break the loneliness cycle:
The three escape routes are creating a sense of safety, becoming proactive, and scrutinizing negative biases.
Let’s look at them individually.
Induce a felt sense of safety — Loneliness is a stress response; activating our sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight mode), one of the most effective things we can do is shift into our parasympathetic nervous system (rest-and-digest mode). This signals safety. Examples of this is breathwork such as making your exhales longer than your inhales, getting outside into nature, going for a walk, doing yoga or any other activity that connects body and mind, utilizing havening, a self-soothing technique where you hug yourself, stroking your upper arms over and over.
Be proactive — The one thing that all your failed relationships have in common is, well, you. When we feel lonely, we tend to underestimate this. Not in the sense that it’s all our fault but that we have more power than we might’ve thought. Every day, there are thousands of chances to connect with people that can help us feel less lonely. The trick is to engage in altruism, the selfless act of helping others without expecting anything in return. Do small acts of kindness and send a message. Seek and offer hugs and listen to your favorite music or sing as this releases the hormones you are seeking.
Challenge the negative biases to find the positive — Whatever negative thoughts you might have, try to zoom out and question them like a curious scientist. Can you find a silver lining? Reach out and seek support. Express your thoughts and feelings through written form or to a confidant. Start to expect the best and give others the benefit of the doubt. If we choose to focus on what others don’t like about us then that can lead to actual aversion. Conversely, trusting in other people’s reciprocity, goodwill, and kindness will actually evoke these qualities. Remember, the lonely brain misinterprets neutral signs.
Loneliness and connection are two sides of the same coin. For every negative effect loneliness has on our perception and health, connection has a positive impact.
Loneliness inflicts pain; connection soothes.
Loneliness makes the world hostile; connection makes it endearing.
Loneliness impairs our functioning; connection supercharges it.
Knowing what loneliness does to the brain helps us flip the coin. We begin to grasp why we suffer. What our real needs are. How our perception gets out of tune. And what we can do to fix it.
In our search for being ourselves, may we find love, belonging, connection, security, be seen, valued, and welcomed as our true selves.
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