The Holidays and the “Let Them” Theory

Misty Getrich
5 days ago
5 min read

Updated: 5 days ago

It’s “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”, right? At least that is seemingly the message everywhere we look from November through December. How do you fit when that isn’t fully the emotion you feel when traveling into the holiday months?

For many of us, holiday gatherings stir up a mix of warmth, grief, nostalgia, tension, hope, and old relational patterns. Even if we’ve grown in powerful ways, stepping back into old environments and/or connecting with others after a long time, can activate the parts of us that learned to cope and can shift into familiar roles like the mediator, the pleaser, the quiet one, the responsible one. Our bodies remember the environments and the people; therefore, the nervous system shifts accordingly.

The “Let Them Theory” is a way to support your nervous system in real time. This theory is more than a mindset — it’s a lifeline, a nervous system strategy.

What the “Let Them Theory” Really Means

The Let Them Theory says: If someone chooses to behave in a certain way…let them.

Not because you agree. Not because you’re giving up. But because you are choosing to make regulating your nervous system the priority.

Psychologically, we know:

The human nervous system learns patterns early through family modeling.
In familiar environments, your brain may auto-switch into old identity roles (the fixer, the quiet one, the peacemaker, the responsible one).
Trying to manage others triggers hypervigilance (your system scanning for tension, disapproval, or conflict) and drains your emotional energy.

When we stop trying to change or control others, we interrupt that stress loop.

Instead, we shift from: Other-regulation → Self-regulation.

This is emotional maturity in action.

Why Interacting with Some People Can Be More Difficult

People engage with others based on:

Their attachment style
Their trauma history
Their emotional vocabulary
Their capacity to tolerate discomfort

If you’ve been growing, healing, or working on emotional awareness, you may be interacting with people who haven’t yet developed that same capacity in the areas specific to you.

It’s not personal. It's developmental.

They may not be unwilling. They may just be unable right now.

And so we “let them” — not because we abandon the relationship, but because we stop abandoning ourselves inside it.

So, What Do You Do Instead?

Rather than controlling others’ behavior…You center your attention on your internal state.

This looks like:

Slowing your breathing when tension rises.
Feeling your feet on the ground to ground you into the present moment.
Use an anchor statement, "I am here, I am safe."
Choosing when to engage instead of reacting automatically.
Tending to the younger part of you that may feel small, unseen, or overwhelmed.

You become your own safe person.

7 ways to help to support your nervous system in holiday spaces.

Holiday Gathering Tips & Tools

1. Notice Early Body Cues

Your body will show activation before your mind catches it:

shoulders tightening
breath shortening
jaw clenching
going quiet or going sharp

These are signals to pause, not push through.

2. Use Micro-Boundaries

You don’t need to announce big boundaries. You can simply shift your behavior.

Step outside for air
Change the subject
Excuse yourself for a moment
Take a bathroom grounding break

Small boundaries are powerful and often invisible.

3. Have Stock Phrases Ready

These reduce the pressure to respond on the spot:

“I’m not going to talk about that.”
“I hear you. I’m choosing something different.”
“Let’s move on to something else.”
“I need a moment—I’ll be right back.”

Your calm tone is the boundary.

4. Regulate Before Responding

Your body is your first boundary.

Try this breathwork:

Inhale for 4
Hold for 2
Exhale slowly for 6
Repeat as needed

This signals safety to your nervous system. It prevents reactive responses you’ll later regret.

5. Plan Your Exits

Have an internal signal for “time to step away”:

Shoulders tightening
Jaw clenching
Chest pressure
Holding breath

Those are early signs of emotional overload. Stepping away is self-respect.

6. Choose Who You Give Your Energy To

Not every interaction needs depth. Offer your presence where it feels reciprocal:

Sit near people you feel safe with
Those who are curious about you
People who ask how you’re really doing
You are allowed to be quiet and not engage

Let your energy move toward nourishment.

7. Anchor Statements

Short reminders that bring you back to your center:

“I don’t have to fix this.”
“Their behavior belongs to them.”
“My peace is mine to protect.”
“I can stay connected to myself.”

Your tone can stay even and calm. Your presence becomes your boundary.

Reflection + Journal Prompts

Staying Regulated and Connected to Yourself During the Holidays

1. Take one minute to breathe. Then write:

What comes up for me when I think about holiday gatherings? What emotions or sensations arise? What do I feel in my body? Where do I feel it?

2. Your growth

Reflect:

In what ways have I changed or grown this year? Which of these do I want to stand by when I’m with others?

3. Notice protective patterns

Which of these do you tend to fall into?

People pleasing
Over-functioning
Explaining yourself
Shrinking or becoming quiet to avoid conflict
Taking responsibility for others’ feelings
Trying to keep everyone comfortable

Which one feels strongest in group settings?

4. My self-support plan

Choose grounding tools to use during gatherings:

Slow exhale breathing
Going outside for fresh air
Feel my feet on the ground
Texting a supportive friend
Excuse myself and return when I’m ready

Write:

I will use the following grounding tools….

I will know when I need to use these tools…

when I feel my early signals of nervous system activation such as jaw tightness, shoulders tightening, holding breath, zoning out, talking too fast, feel myself getting small or quiet…

5. My anchor statement:

Choose one that feels most supportive or create your own.

“My peace is mine to protect.”
“I don’t have to fix this.”
“I stay with myself.”
“Let them.”

Write it where you can see it or hold it in your pocket.

6. Who feels regulating to be around?

Name one person you feel calmer with and plan to spend more time in that person’s presence.

Reach out to a supportive person via text or phone to help you stay grounded.

7. Kind encouragement to yourself

Finish this sentence:

This year, I choose to care for myself by…

A Closing Anchor

“Their behavior belongs to them. My peace belongs to me.”

The “Let Them Theory” isn’t passive — it’s actually deeply empowering.

It’s an essential nervous system regulation tool.

You are no longer abandoning yourself to please other people.

This holiday season instead of trying to change others, control the atmosphere, or prevent discomfort, consider shifting your focus to “let them” and then “let me”.

If someone chooses to behave a certain way, let them. Then, respond in a way that is, let me.

You are allowed to take slow breaths before responding. You are allowed to say, “I’m not going to talk about that.” You are allowed to step outside for space. You are allowed to excuse yourself. You are allowed to be quiet or not engage. You are allowed to choose where you place your attention. You are allowed to take care of yourself in real time.

When we shift our focus from others and hoping they would be different, we conserve energy for:

genuine connection with yourself and those people who can meet you where you are at
caring for the younger parts of yourself that get tender this time of year
choosing presence instead of reactivity
self-regulation and nervous system conservation